Diary of a White Witch
by Princess of Poland
Summary: The humorous diary of one, Jadis - White-Witch-of-Absolute-Awesomenes as she calls herself.  Set in the movies and extends over all movies she's in. Au, OOC and a bunch of silliness. Enjoy.
1. Week the First

**Disclaimer:** The _Princess of Poland_ does not own Narnia, though she wishes she does.

**

* * *

Monday:**

Cold.

Am now 'Queen of Narnia' - very happy.

**Tuesday:**

Still cold, still queen, still happy.

**Wednesday:**

Still cold, still queen, still happy.

Bought new fur coat, sledge, reindeer and dwarf. Very, _very_ happy.

**Thursday:**

Turn of events - actually had to work today! Well, had to use magic anyway (I broke a nail!)

Went sledging and found Idiot Boy in bush. Lured him to sledge then interrogated him with the help of _Enchanted Turkish Delight_ ™ and _Magical Hot Chocolate_ ™ (personally, was glad to get rid of it - it gives me the runs). Must now find way to get rid of him and family.

Marginally annoyed, but still relatively happy.

**Friday:**

Captured stupid faun! Threw him in prison, shouted at people and waved wand around in threatening manner (it makes a lovely 'swishy swishy' noise) Very happy. Off to play chess with statues.

**Saturday:**

Idiot Boy is back. Must be stupider than first thought as is unable to follow simple instruction of "Bring me your family or else," stupid boy. Chucked him in prison. Still happy. Ish.

_New Decree:_ All stupid people should be imprisoned.

(Half an Hour Later)

Seem to be running out of cells and food...will have to think of solution.

I hate thinking, it makes my hair curl.

**Sunday:**

Had a ball turning stupid faun to stone. He makes great pawn in chess set.

_Solution to Food and Cell Problem: _ Turn 'em all to stone and sell on the black markets to giants on the Northern Border as chess sets!

Discovered yesterday that dwarf is excellent chess player. Am debating whether or not to kill him.

Have noticed crown has started to melt; must talk to crown makers. Not happy.


	2. Week the Second

**Disclaimer: **Does the _Princess of Poland_ seriously have to do one of these every chapter?

**

* * *

Monday:**

Took Idiot Boy on sledge to find his family. He blubbed all over new fur coat! Will have to disinfect it later.

Sledge keeps bumping and rocking, crown is smaller and there is annoying green stuff on ground. Will have to look it up as haven't seen it for a century. Annoyed.

**Tuesday:**

Dummy Dwarf got the sledge stuck! (I decided not to kill him - a mistake on my part)

Was annoyed to find out sledges were only made for snow - not this annoying green stuff. Crown smaller, dress greyer and there are annoying pink things in the trees - er (?)

Highly annoyed.

**Wednesday:**

Bugger! Santa Clause is back! (I thought we sacked him...?) Very annoyed. NO presents, NO sledge, crown _still_ melting...I hate the world.

**Thursday:**

Royally ticked! Idiot Boy was rescued by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (NOT Voldemort FYI, Pesky Lion thingy) Damn you all!

**Friday:**

Had meeting with Pesky Lion about Idiot Boy - me get him, he die, I have cracker night. Me NO get him, Narnia die (very fun) I have cracker night. Win win either way.

(A While Later)

Here's the deal:

I no get Idiot Boy...me get Pesky Lion instead. AND cracker night!

White-Witch-of-Absolute-Awesomeness: 1, Pesky Lion: 0. Whooping with happiness.

**Saturday:**

Had absolute blast stabbing Pesky Lion, but thought there was not enough attention paid to brand new contacts!

_Note to Self: _Must remember to hire new musicians as current ones have no sense of timing and look like demented vultures. Also, dead roosters on shoulder? ITCHY! In all the places it shouldn't itch!

Would like to learn to translate runes on stone table (might be ancient scone recipe)

**Sunday:**

Translated runes! It was a scone recipe - Otmin owes me five bucks!

(An Hour Later)

Translated wrong. Was actually choc-chip-cookie recipe. No wonder scones were flat.

Ended up with tray of rocks though as got angry and turned mixture to stone. Bother. Fed them to Ankle Slicers. Bother. Now owe Otmin five bucks.

Also, seem to have misplaced fireworks - shouted a bit and turned several people to stone. Now have two and a quarter chess sets.

Annoyed!

(Noon)

Went into battle (celebrate good times, come on!) Seeing as won't get cracker night, will have to be content with killing people. (Besides, need more people for third chess set.)

(15 Minutes Later)

Extremely annoyed! Discovered other side has fireworks! Put end to that though: if I can't have fireworks, no-one can!

(Afternoon)

Pesky Lion has returned! Apparently, choc-chip cookie recipe was actually some _Deep Magic_ ™

Lion ransacked castle and melted chess sets! (Must've eaten _loads_ of chilli!)

Also got new chariot, though is pulled by idiotic polar bears.

(A Few Seconds Later)

Having trouble with steering box on chariot as polar bears go where they pleas. Ditched chariot after going round and round in circles and turning centaur general to stone - a new night for chess set! Have also lost new black contacts and Idiot Boy broke wand!

_Note to Self: _ Must stop buying royal goods from Chickenfeed.

Found new use for broken wand! Is very sharp: stabbed Idiot Boy!

(Later)

Well damn. Was just about to kill Elder Idiot Boy when was leaped on by Pesky Lion and had face chewed off. Died.

(Night)

Dead.


	3. Week the Third

**Disclaimer: **How many times does _The Princess of Poland_ have to say she does NOT own Narnia?

**

* * *

Monday:**

(Morning)

Still dead.

(Noon)

Will come back as mosquito, buzz very loudly and ruin coronation! (Evil laugh)

(Afternoon)

Stupid centaur! Was _slapped_ before coronation even started!

(Night)

Came back as spider, observed coronation, came up with clever and cunning plan (!)

Was eaten by fox. Am now sulking.

**Tuesday:**

Came back as lobster - started work on clever and cunning plan.

(Afternoon)

Finished cunning and clever plan (will have to start calling it _Cunning and Clever Plan_ ™)

Was in the middle of Happy Dance (very hard to do as lobster) when was captured by Stupid Faun.

(Night)

Was eaten for dinner. Bummer.

**Wednesday:**

(Morning)

Came back as fly.

(Afternoon)

Ah-ha! They all think Pesky Lion disappeared by some _Deep Magic _™, but is actually stuck in _Highly Effective Sand-Trap _™! Intend to keep him there for 1000 years. (Maniacal laughter)

(Night)

Died. (Again) Stupid fly only lives for 24 hours!

**FOURTEEN YEARS LATER**

**Monday:**

Came back as caterpillar.

Nooooooo! Pesky Lion has escaped from _Highly Effective Sand-Trap _™ which was key part of _Cunning and Clever Plan _™ (which apparently, was _not_ so effective, clever or cunning)

He randomly turned a guy into a donkey. Pshaw! I could've done better!

Have also found Younger Idiot Boy, Younger Idiot Girl and Elder Idiot Boy. They're all growed up (Duh!)

(Several Minutes Later)

STUPID FAUN! Was just stepped on and now guts are oozing into carpet.

Definitely NOT happy.

**ONE YEAR LATER**

**Wednesday:**

Actually came back as something white! Though not exactly what expected...

Oh great, here come those Idiot Country Stealers. Will try stabbing with halves of wand, someone has stuck them to head. What an odd place to put them!

Hmmmm...antlers prove non-effective for stabbing.

(Two Minutes Later)

Have just run head-first into lamp-post me created first time was here. (distinctly remember throwing cross bar at Pesky Lion - he didn't even bleed!) The firework inside is still burning but hasn't burst into pretty pink and purple sparkles yet. My fireworks never work...

On the Brightside (Always look on the bright side of death...) Idiot Country Stealers have gone back to their own world.

Sorta happy.


End file.
